In those years, I always believed that I had infinite patience and understanding for life, and I firmly believed that I could accommodate all the light and shadow of the world. I also always believed that the relationship between people can be maintained by a tiny emotional bond, and that a little effort and time can be used to melt the barriers and move towards spiritual contact. However, fate always seems to like to play jokes, and finally made me realize that many things are holes that can never be filled, and those times that were once easily crossed will eventually become so far away.
At that time, I often walked alone on the streets of this city, with all kinds of thoughts in my heart. The lights of the city kept flashing, and I could vaguely see the hurried footsteps of pedestrians on the street. Occasionally, when I found a familiar face in the corner, an inexplicable sense of familiarity would surge in my heart. However, I know that the distance between people is much longer than I imagined.
At that time, I had a beautiful love affair. We met in a spring, when everything was revived, and there was a slight fragrance of flowers in the air. Her name is Lin Lin, and I didn’t feel anything special at first. It was only when I looked back at her inadvertently again and again that I found that her figure was always swaying in front of my eyes, like a gentle bird, always gently passing through my sight, but never deliberately. Her eyes are deep, as if she can see through everything, but she always reveals a sense of indifference, as if her world is separated from me by a thick layer of glass, untouchable.
She speaks very little, and every time we meet, there is always a bit of silence in her eyes, but there is a gentleness that I can’t resist. She is not like those talkative girls, who don’t like to express their emotions with words, but prefer to use a silent companionship, as if two people together don’t need too many words. What she brings to me is an indescribable peace, as if she is an existence that can never be touched, both close and distant.
We began to have more and more contacts, occasionally walking in the park in the evening, and occasionally sitting in a cafe in a quiet afternoon. Her existence makes me feel at ease, as if she is the important part of my life and the warmth I am pursuing. However, just as I was immersed in the warmth of this emotion, I began to feel a little uneasy. This uneasiness did not come from the outside world, but from her eyes, or rather, from the close yet distant relationship between her and me.
Her eyes were always cold, and occasionally she would talk about some unimportant topics, but I always felt that there was some elusive silence hidden in her words. I gradually understood that it was not that she had no emotions, but that she buried all her emotions deep in her heart and did not let anyone touch them. I thought that if she could open her heart to me, I would definitely understand her loneliness and pain, but she never gave me this opportunity.
Sometimes, I would see a deep fatigue in her eyes, as if she had carried too much of the past, and the past that I had never approached had long become an untouchable scar for her. I know that she has never completely let go of the pain she had in the past, and she just tried her best to keep a seemingly stable life for herself in this world. She didn’t want me to be a witness to her past pain, because she was afraid that once she started to talk, all the pain and memories would burst out.
My love for her began to become complicated. It was not like the pure love I had when I was young, but mixed with sympathy for her, awe of her deep heart, and even helplessness of her indifference. It was not that she did not love me, but she was afraid to give herself to anyone, afraid that once she gave herself, she would be abandoned at some point in the future. She had experienced too much pain, so much pain that she had to build a thick wall to protect herself tightly.
What I wanted to give her was a kind of comfort and protection, but she didn’t seem to need it. She put me on the edge of her life and never let me really enter her world. Every time I tried to get close, she flew away alertly like a wounded bird. My heart gradually became heavy, because I knew that I could not change her heart, nor could I break her insurmountable solid defense line.
In the end, we still separated. That summer, with some regrets and unfinished emotions, we each went in different directions. I no longer took the initiative to contact her, and she did not reply to me. We were like two stars that met but were destined to miss each other, passing by each other, but could never meet again.
Sometimes, I think of her and the quiet time we spent together. Her eyes and her smile have become the softest part of my memory. She gave me an emotion that cannot be expressed in words, but made this relationship so far away. I can’t blame her. After all, there is an untouchable place in everyone’s heart. I may never be able to enter her world and truly understand her pain and hurt.
This relationship eventually became a blank in my heart that can never be filled. Whenever I think of her, there will be an unspeakable loss in my heart, as if the love that has never been obtained is always lingering in my heart and cannot be let go. In this life, perhaps some people are destined to be passers-by, and we can only quietly miss and linger in the endless years.